All good books have dedications. So should blogs..
I want to dedicate this blog to my parents who raised me and shaped who I am as a person. I love you guys and miss you terribly and am looking forward to when I will be able to see you again.
I am now back home from my weekend trip to Las Vegas to celebrate Tommy’s upcoming wedding. We left at dark oclock on Thursday morning and arrived home late Saturday night. A total of eleven people went including some fellow co-workers and even my overall boss. As some of you may know, I had decided after my 2003 Las Vegas trip vowing never to return. It would take a lot of convincing or a special event to get me to reconsider going. So in the end, I finally relented and agreed to attend towards the end of April. My reasons for going back are varied and many, but I will address some of them below. Before continuing, I want to assure my fellow sojourners from the trip that I will abide by the “What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas” saying. I have posted a few photos here (and will be adding more once I unpack my camera) of both the sights (and in some cases, sounds) and people of Las Vegas. Now as for my thoughts:
Travelling with other people is much more fun.. This is probably one of the things that got me started on the wrong foot with Las Vegas in my 2003 trip. When I went last time, I was with people that I hadn’t met before in person (we all got to know each other pretty well as time went on), but we were still total strangers with each other. This time, I went with four coworkers, one ex-coworker, one person I knew fairly well, two people I’ve met before but didn’t know too well, and two other new people. There is comfort when traveling with people you know. Thus I was more apt to be open and trying to broaden my horizons. In the end, I got to know three of my non-coworkers much better and was at ease in talking and interacting with all (that’s a new one for me in two days). I’m always up to travel and would be overjoyed to travel with anyone that I know (and if I can get off of work, but I have plenty of time off to use). Travelling alone sucks.
I started my trip more on the depressed side (not due to the trip, but I’m just describing my general state of mind pre-trip), but I leave with hope. Hope for relationships. Hope for what could be. Hope for changes. Optimism is not something that I have an abundance of. This is something I could have accomplished anywhere, but Las Vegas is like an alien nation compared to the comfort and familiarity of Texas. I had experiences and saw things that showed me that anything is possible.
One of the things others can tell you about me and this trip is that I was more open to getting out of my comfort zone. I still wasn’t as open as I could have been, but then I went a bit more open that what I had planned to in the first place. Again, this openness is caused by me feeling a sense of comfort and safety that point number one provided.
I did generally enjoy myself. I regret not taking the time getting to the swimming pool or staying up later like some of the others were able to do. But it was as much a learning environment for me as it was entertainment/vacation. If you were one of my sojourners, I took at least one (but probably much more) nugget of wisdom away from our interactions. Thank you for that.
This one seems out of place, but I do feel like I’m getting in better shape.. I walked all over the strip each day (even in the Las Vegas heat). I did the equivalent of the Tropicana to Bellagio Loop (about 3 miles round trip) multiple times each day and didn’t struggle at all. That is something major for me.. Plus I was easy in comfort on the airplanes (although the last flight did have a mighty short seat belt, but I still fit it). So I no longer need to fear flying.
Everyone seemed to enjoy the trip. Some people had better gambling experiences than others (I ended up $45 dollars, but I also hardly spent anything – I love the electronic lady blackjack machine at Binions). A lot of great food (I love Brazilian Steakhouses – Texas de Brazil and others liked Emeril).
The bad thing about the trip was how expensive everything seemed. Las Vegas needs to solve the traffic gridlock problems. I was able to walk from the Tropicana to the Bellagio while making a quick stop in Walgreens for a water in the same amount as a cab took on the same journey. That is unreal. The traffic makes all cab rides at least eight to ten dollars and an average of 20 dollars. Also the city should consider extending the monrail to the downtown area (i.e., Fremont Street).
So yes, that is the answer to my question about whether I enjoyed the experience. Will I go back? If someone else will come with me, yes. But then let me say I am willing to travel and do anything that is physically possible for me (so no mountain climbing YET) and with enough notice to be able to get off. I’m even willing to try new things (would I have gone to a Brazilian steakhouse by myself? not on your life…).
More individual stories later as I will be VERY BUSY the next two days to make up for being gone the end of last week…
Again, thank you my fellow sojourners for an awesome experience….
I tried recording our Summer Concert held today (June 28, 2009) at First United Methodist Church using my IPhone 3G. The results actually turned out pretty good – way better than my original Fuze. Please note that the perspective of these audio tracks is the same as one would get if you were actually sitting in the band. So the songs are pretty brass heavy, but everything can be heard. This also is a test of the Audio Player Plugin for Wordpress:
Please note that some songs have a delay before starting. Remember that I need to handle my instrument before starting the recordings…
I’m sorry for the downtime on the photo gallery (down since Monday night). I was doing a Wordpress 2.8 update to my network blog via Wordpress and all of the sudden most of my webfiles were deleted. I got Wordpress back up and running here and over there, but it took some time to figure out why Gallery2 wasn’t working. I resolved that yesterday afternoon while waiting for something else to finish running.
So what’s new, you ask? Let me list the ways:
My Tuba is broken. Well, let me rephrase that. It isn’t working too well.. I’ll limp along through tomorrow night’s rehersal and then our concert next Sunday and the following 4th of July concert. Then I’ll take it into the shop to get it fixed. I won’t need it again until rehersals pick back up in mid-August for a September concert in Windcrest, TX.
I definately need a plumber for a hour or two around the house to fix all my plumbing related woes.
I’m going on a trip in the future. Just going on this trip means I’m going to be super busy at work for the next week or so… No, not to Alaska.
I now have an IPhone… Don’t ask… Not one of the new ones – this one is a used 3G. I like that the call quality is much better than the Fuze or other smartphone. I haven’t noticed any reception woes, either. It’s running 3.0 and I jailbroke it yesterday to fix some of the annoying problems (I hate the ringtones, email alert tones, and in general all of the notification options). Slingplayer works with my Slingbox Classic at home (even though it tells me that it isn’t supposed to work). That’s good since I can have the CWS game video on tomorrow at the rehersal. Does this mean I’m done with Windows Mobile? No. I just was given an opportunity that I couldn’t pass up. I already miss the GPS features from the Fuze (the IPhone doesn’t have much other than XMaps or XGPS).
Just finished making up meals for the rest of the week. Meatballs, spaghetti, and grilled chicken… I freeze the food, take some with me to the office for lunch and the rest for supper. Saves money and is more healthy. Today’s meal was a T-Bone steak (HEB has these cheap about once a month), Corn, Cucumber Salad, and broccoli spears. Nothing for tonight except the leftover corn and cucumber salad. Yum yum.
Work sucks… What’s new there… I’m looking forward to July. No more Vision meetings. I can finally get my Friday’s back and I won’t have overtime that I have to take for pay (I prefer using overtime as time off, but the schedule has precluded that lately).
Got back in touch with some former co-workers this past week…
It’s definately too freaking hot to get things done outside. I water whenever I can, but that is it. Fortunately I don’t need to mow, but that time will be coming soon. Yesterday reached 98. It’s been around that or higher for the past week and it seems like it will be like that for the next week(s).
Brought my weight set back out of my closet from when I was in high school. Getting in shape sucks, but is so necessary. I still walk daily and try to vary my routine (sometimes fast like sub-15 minute mile, sometimes I tackle hills, sometimes length – 5.5 miles being my longest). Allergies aren’t helping. Allergies bite (literally and figuratively). I’m taking my Claritin during the day and then an Actifed when I go to bed.
It’s been two weeks since I’ve done Rock Band. The Wii has gotten more action lately (My Fitness Coach – which can definately kick my butt). Maybe July will be more liesurely.
I guess that’s it for now.. I won’t have any website updates for about two weeks or so… Hopefully a post here and there, but no promises.
I have made small updates on many of the pages of this site. I’ll continue to update more things and add more content as time allows. I’m expecting to have much more free time in July to get caught up with things both off-line as well as on-line.
In other news, I have been working on a few projects the past few weeks. House-wise, I’m trying to keep everything OK. As I am expecting houseguests in July, I’m trying to get things cleaned up as much as possible. Also, if anyone (in the New Braunfels area) has any recommendations for a plumber, I would be grateful. I’m having difficulties with two bathroom appliances in need to replace both sooner rather than later. Yeah, I know, I’m a guy and I should be able to do these things. However, I’m squeamish when it comes to working with mechanical (i.e., vehicles, engines, etc) and plumbing. I’ll work with anything electrical, technological, or structural, so I don’t have to turn in my “man card”.
As for the other things affecting me in my life, I am still battling my old nemesis – fear. The fear of the unknown. The fear of the new. This inner demon that torments me. I’m getting encouragement, but I backslide into behavior I abhor because it fees this fear and loathing. For those of you who are around me, let me apologize for all of the things that I might (and probably did) say or do.
I thought I would title today’s post “What’s New”. My last posting here was on May 17th, but the last real posting was the First Year Thoughts posting on April 14th. Well, the first year has come and gone. I’m still attempting to cope the best that I can. I’m still battling the problems listed in that last posting.
The positives, thusfar:
I’m trying to not be scared of talking to people. As I have said on Facebook, during the Memorial Day weekend, I actually went out and tried to talk to people – both at the church function on Sunday and at the concert in Boerne the following Monday. My problem – I can only seem to feel at ease talking with other guys. I’m still too intimidated by women. However, a start is a start and I won’t criticize myself for that.
I’m actually going to take a trip this summer. Not my cruise to Alaska (I’d like to do that in the fall if the prices are still down – I don’t want to go to Alaska in the summer), but to a place I have already been once before that I had no intention of ever visiting again. This trip will push my limits somewhat.
I also have actually gone out and done things. I went to the first baseball regional game up in Austin last weekend (and watched/listened to the marathon 25 inning game on Saturday night at home), reminisced with friends, and generally had a good time. This is something I am accused of all the time – not ever having fun. I do, but my concept of fun is different than most other guys or gals.
Exercise – I still try to walk my 2.5+ miles a day. Today I added a bicycle ride around the neighborhood, but I am still not in shape enough (and the bike doesn’t exactly suit me as I need the handlebars raised about 5 inches to be comfortable) with the hills around here to do that on a daily basis. I’m going to intersperse that with my walking and my occaisonal jog/walk combo. I also now have a Wii at the house and have been playing the activity games and started using “My Fitness Coach” to get in better shape. My goal is to be down 40 pounds by the end of the year.
The negatives?
The “self worth” or esteem is still an issue that I am fighting a losing battle on. I’m trying to stand up for myself and think positive thoughts, but I have been in this quagmire for so long that I think this is something I will never conquer to the extent that I need to conquer. This has been a long time issue for me and solving it will be one of the hardest and most emotionally gut-wrenching experiences that I will need to go through.
Women. Why do I feel intimidated? I know much of it is from the previous statement. I need to conquer this in order to get into any type of meaningful relationship. Due to my set of values and my life compass, this will likewise be one of the most difficult taks I will face. However, I’m not getting younger, and if I ever want to have kids of my own, I need to “take the bull by the horn”, so to speak.
Depression. I still have it. Partially from the two issues above, grief, and stress. The two issues above are self explanatory. Grief is something I will face for the next few years. It isn’t as bad as it was during the first year, but I still feel it tugging at me from time to time. Guilt is also directly tied into the grief. Stress is from the job. There is not much I can do about that one and I don’t know how to tackle that one. But then work has been depressing me on and off for the past 13 years, so it is something I’m used to having an issue with.
Getting out more – I had this listed as a positive, but it still isn’t enough. I need to be around people other than my coworkers to help rebuild my social skills, which will in turn help with issue #1 and #2 above. Plus, I have had an aim to go camping sometime in this past year, which I have yet to do.
So as you can see, there has been some progress and some regression.
NOTE: To see the trail, please click on the post… This is a bug in the plugin…
I took advantage of the better weather today to take a fairly long walk.
The overall trip was 4.36 miles long at an average speed of 3.6 miles per hour with a maximum speed of 4.8 miles per hour (total time was 1 hours and 12 minutes). A bit on the slow side for me, but I did the first three miles fast and slowed/cooled down on the last mile and a third.
It has now been one full year since I had to “press the reset button of life”. I can’t say that the past year has been easy. It has been rough. Terribly rough. But it is a phase of my life that I must push through, regardless if I want to or not. I’m writing this posting to talk about things that I have learned over the past year and some of the areas that I need to improve on.
Things that I have learned:
That it is possible to make changes even when everything seems so bleak, so hopeless. Change was necessary to keep from drowning in pain and suffering. Change is not easy. There were times that I practically hated myself for making the same “destructive” decisions because they were too comfortable.
I have learned that everyone has a purpose. One person can impact a countless number of lives. I think back to the number of people who I had influenced over the year and I was staggered by the implications. Friends, family, enemies, and even people whom I have never met were impacted by my existence. This thought alone, as strange as it may seem, helped me on the path of “coping” (I can’t say recover because I haven’t recovered and won’t do so for some time).
Life can and will be cruel. I learned this lesson the hard way. It’s not something that I didn’t know beforehand, but I “noticed” it more afterwards. However, these experiences strengthen us and can positively impact our life.
Relationships in life are important. Too bad that I completely suck at making and maintaining them. This is the aspect I need to improve on the most, but one that is dependent on solving other issues of my life first (i.e., self worth). Also, I need to mention that there have been some very important people in my life the past year who have helped me survive the “storms of my life” over the past year and I sincerely thank them for their help.
Things that I need to improve on:
From above, I mentioned “self worth”. I’m getting better at having a more positive “self esteem”, but I’m not quite there yet. As I also mentioned, this is hurting me in other aspects of my life. I need to work on this, but this requires a fundamental change of my personality.
Get out more. I still stress on the “getting things done” phase of life and haven’t learned to relax yet. Again, this requires a change in my personality.
I need to get a sense of humor. I’m very serious, normally. If you know me well, you know that it is possible that I can have humor in my life. But generally that side of me is very reserved. I’m normally very serious. I’m not a cut-up. I don’t seek attention (actually, I tend to run whenever a spotlight is on me). It’s this level of discomfort I must resolve. Again, this is (partially) related to the first required improvement above.
There are still times in my life when I wonder to myself – Why? What’s the purpose?. These times are scary. I’m happy to say that they come less frequently over the past few months. Grief sucks. It is, however, a necessary phase of life that everyone must go through. And it can be a slow harrowing process.
This is a test posting to see if I can import elevation information from the GPX file. This was my walk from this afternoon. It was a fairly short walk that took way too long to do, but it was vertically challenged as I had three hills to conquer each way (not much, but it is more elevation relief than my normal walk).
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