Well, I’m quickly approaching the two month anniversary of my mother’s passing (one week from today on Father’s Day). I have had my ups and downs. Some days are incredible. Some days involve me dwelling in places so horrible that I can’t believe my mind can conjure them. I know this is a process and that everyone has to go through it. When my dad passed away a bit over ten years ago, the grief process wasn’t as involved. It was there, but was abbreviated since I wasn’t that close with him over the years. Living the past six years as a caregiver, especially the past four years has made me have an attachment to my mother that basically borders on co-dependence. The normalcy of my life has disappeared. Cope, I have. I still have outbursts of pain, sadness, and dejection that border on depression, though.
This past weekend was one of the times when I searched the depths of my soul. Today, I spent about three hours crying and yelling and about seven hours total this weekend. To quote Thomas Paine, these are the times that try men’s souls. Although I am not undergoing the struggles that Thomas Paine meant in The Crisis, I am fighting my own internal war. I see a light at the end of the tunnel, but the journey there is fraught with difficulty and pain. I realize that this is therapeutic and I will end up being a better man for going through it, the process still is extremely painful.
I’m striving to be strong through this experience. I have some incredible friends who have done much to help me deal with all of these crises I am undergoing. I can’t thank them enough for being there, for putting up with my stubborness and naivete, and for forcing me to push the envelope so to speak. I may struggle and resist, but the experience is worth it.
So, as I complete the second month anniversary this week, I must reflect on my experiences thusfar:
My promises and their Status:
- Try new things… This one is probably my hardest, but it is one that I am actively forcing myself to do, sometimes with a bit of prodding by others. I give myself a solid C+ here.
- Attend church weekly… This one I have done… I’m looking for a church to call home and have been “church shopping” the past two months.. I think that I may have a permanent solution, but it has to be right for me and my theological viewpoint.
- Exercise more… I started well, but have back slid a bit lately. I have been averaging about 2.5 miles every time I go out on a walk, but lately it has only been 3~4 times a week. This is partially due to heat and also partially due to other problems.
- Take care of my health… Like above, I’m trying to do this…
- Don’t dwell… I dwell. I always have. I think I always will. This requires a major change in my psychological makeup. I’m better than I used to be, but most would say that I am a pathological “dwell”-er. This is a solid D+ here.
- Reconnect with friends… I’m trying here… This is a bit hard because I burned quite a few bridges.. A lot of my problems relate to my naivete and I don’t realize that I may have offended or off-put someone and I don’t fix it immediately. I’m working on this.
- Meet people… I still chicken out way too easily here. I need a “social security blanket” before I feel safe to go out and try. So my likelihood of meeting someone and get into a real relationship is a bit dreary.
Other Thoughts
- My brain is the source of a lot of my problems.. I overreact and over-compensate way too much.
- I have a lot of work to do. It will take forever to get everything under control.
- I’m too stressed out to be very effective. I’m adjusting to stress and am trying not to force myself to do more than I can handle, but then I upset others.
- My temper is much shorter. I seem to have no problem telling others who have pushed me too far. This is new.
- I miss both of my parents very dearly and know that I will see them again in the future.
Thanks for listening and reading as I rambled on here…
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