Jeffreys Ruminations

Well, I’m quickly approaching the two month anniversary of my mother’s passing (one week from today on Father’s Day).  I have had my ups and downs.  Some days are incredible.  Some days involve me dwelling in places so horrible that I can’t believe my mind can conjure them.  I know this is a process and that everyone has to go through it.  When my dad passed away a bit over ten years ago, the grief process wasn’t as involved.  It was there, but was abbreviated since I wasn’t that close with him over the years.  Living the past six years as a caregiver, especially the past four years has made me have an attachment to my mother that basically borders on co-dependence.  The normalcy of my life has disappeared.  Cope, I have.  I still have outbursts of pain, sadness, and dejection that border on depression, though. 

This past weekend was one of the times when I searched the depths of my soul.  Today, I spent about three hours crying and yelling and about seven hours total this weekend.  To quote Thomas Paine, these are the times that try men’s souls.  Although I am not undergoing the struggles that Thomas Paine meant in The Crisis, I am fighting my own internal war.  I see a light at the end of the tunnel, but the journey there is fraught with difficulty and pain.  I realize that this is therapeutic and I will end up being a better man for going through it, the process still is extremely painful.

I’m striving to be strong through this experience.  I have some incredible friends who have done much to help me deal with all of these crises I am undergoing.  I can’t thank them enough for being there, for putting up with my stubborness and naivete, and for forcing me to push the envelope so to speak.  I may struggle and resist, but the experience is worth it. 

So, as I complete the second month anniversary this week, I must reflect on my experiences thusfar:

My promises and their Status:

• Try new things…  This one is probably my hardest, but it is one that I am actively forcing myself to do, sometimes with a bit of prodding by others.  I give myself a solid C+ here.
• Attend church weekly…  This one I have done…  I’m looking for a church to call home and have been “church shopping” the past two months..  I think that I may have a permanent solution, but it has to be right for me and my theological viewpoint.
• Exercise more…  I started well, but have back slid a bit lately.  I have been averaging about 2.5 miles every time I go out on a walk, but lately it has only been 3~4 times a week.  This is partially due to heat and also partially due to other problems.
• Take care of my health…  Like above, I’m trying to do this…
• Don’t dwell…  I dwell.  I always have.  I think I always will.  This requires a major change in my psychological makeup.  I’m better than I used to be, but most would say that I am a pathological “dwell”-er.  This is a solid D+ here.
• Reconnect with friends…  I’m trying here…  This is a bit hard because I burned quite a few bridges..  A lot of my problems relate to my naivete and I don’t realize that I may have offended or off-put someone and I don’t fix it immediately.  I’m working on this.
• Meet people…  I still chicken out way too easily here.  I need a “social security blanket” before I feel safe to go out and try.  So my likelihood of meeting someone and get into a real relationship is a bit dreary.

Other Thoughts

• My brain is the source of a lot of my problems..  I overreact and over-compensate way too much.
• I have a lot of work to do.  It will take forever to get everything under control.
• I’m too stressed out to be very effective.  I’m adjusting to stress and am trying not to force myself to do more than I can handle, but then I upset others.
• My temper is much shorter.  I seem to have no problem telling others who have pushed me too far.  This is new.
• I miss both of my parents very dearly and know that I will see them again in the future.

Thanks for listening and reading as I rambled on here…

June 8th, 2008 | Tags: Grief | Category: Site News |  Print This Post |  Email This Post | Subscribe to comments | Both comments and pings are currently closed