Whats New?

I thought I would title today’s post “What’s New”. My last posting here was on May 17th, but the last real posting was the First Year Thoughts posting on April 14th. Well, the first year has come and gone. I’m still attempting to cope the best that I can. I’m still battling the problems listed in that last posting.

The positives, thusfar:

• I’m trying to not be scared of talking to people.  As I have said on Facebook, during the Memorial Day weekend, I actually went out and tried to talk to people – both at the church function on Sunday and at the concert in Boerne the following Monday.  My problem – I can only seem to feel at ease talking with other guys.  I’m still too intimidated by women.  However, a start is a start and I won’t criticize myself for that.
• I’m actually going to take a trip this summer.  Not my cruise to Alaska (I’d like to do that in the fall if the prices are still down – I don’t want to go to Alaska in the summer), but to a place I have already been once before that I had no intention of ever visiting again.  This trip will push my limits somewhat.
• I also have actually gone out and done things.  I went to the first baseball regional game up in Austin last weekend (and watched/listened to the marathon 25 inning game on Saturday night at home), reminisced with friends, and generally had a good time.  This is something I am accused of all the time – not ever having fun.  I do, but my concept of fun is different than most other guys or gals.
• Exercise – I still try to walk my 2.5+ miles a day.  Today I added a bicycle ride around the neighborhood, but I am still not in shape enough (and the bike doesn’t exactly suit me as I need the handlebars raised about 5 inches to be comfortable) with the hills around here to do that on a daily basis.  I’m going to intersperse that with my walking and my occaisonal jog/walk combo.  I also now have a Wii at the house and have been playing the activity games and started using “My Fitness Coach” to get in better shape.  My goal is to be down 40 pounds by the end of the year.

The negatives?

• The “self worth” or esteem is still an issue that I am fighting a losing battle on.  I’m trying to stand up for myself and think positive thoughts, but I have been in this quagmire for so long that I think this is something I will never conquer to the extent that I need to conquer.  This has been a long time issue for me and solving it will be one of the hardest and most emotionally gut-wrenching experiences that I will need to go through.
• Women.  Why do I feel intimidated?  I know much of it is from the previous statement.  I need to conquer this in order to get into any type of meaningful relationship.  Due to my set of values and my life compass, this will likewise be one of the most difficult taks I will face.  However, I’m not getting younger, and if I ever want to have kids of my own, I need to “take the bull by the horn”, so to speak.
• Depression.  I still have it.  Partially from the two issues above, grief, and stress.  The two issues above are self explanatory.  Grief is something I will face for the next few years.  It isn’t as bad as it was during the first year, but I still feel it tugging at me from time to time.  Guilt is also directly tied into the grief.  Stress is from the job.  There is not much I can do about that one and I don’t know how to tackle that one.  But then work has been depressing me on and off for the past 13 years, so it is something I’m used to having an issue with.
• Getting out more – I had this listed as a positive, but it still isn’t enough.  I need to be around people other than my coworkers to help rebuild my social skills, which will in turn help with issue #1 and #2 above.  Plus, I have had an aim to go camping sometime in this past year, which I have yet to do.

So as you can see, there has been some progress and some regression.