I’ve been mulling over the writing of this post for the past few days as I try to “find my path”. This has involved taking a step backwards, appraising where I am, and looking forward to the future. I generally do not enjoy this process and am liking it less even now. What has concerned me is not that I am trying to adapt to change, but the steps I have taken to effect those changes. I must admit that change is a very necessary step in my life course as of now. The path I was following would have me wallowing in self pity, despair, and depression. However, as I take a step back to see what I have done, I have not kept true to myself. As William Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet – “to thine own self be true” – but then I realize that I haven’t been true to myself. Shakespeare’s advice then continues “it must follow, as the night the day, thou can not then be false to any man.” How can I be true and steadfast to others when I am not to myself. I don’t want to be a fake person. That would benefit no one, especially myself. So now I must temper myself and make sure that the changes I am making are ones that I can honestly look at myself in the mirror and say “I’m proud of that.” This realization hit me like a load of bricks this past week and my conscience has been weighing on me – convicting me of following the “easy” path.
So where to go now? My base problem remains. Most of my troubles/problems all have the same root issue – self esteem/confidence – something of which I am sorely lacking. I must make solving this issue my paramont concern because no amount of superficial changes I make to other aspects of life will have a lasting impact if I can’t solve the root problem. The question of the moment is how do I do so? I’ve made strides, but my self esteem is still much lower than the average in society in general. To conquer this, one must need to get more assertive and more willing to place a higher value on your self than others. However, at this point I run into a paradox as I value others above my own well being. Thus, you can see my conundrum.
For now, I’ll leave the deep thoughts that have been troubling me over the past two weeks and move to lighter issues:
- I went to my first movie of the year – G.I. Joe. I still need to go see Harry Potter, but I haven’t had the chance.. Maybe next weekend or one night after work. Then again, I discovered that Star Trek is playing in a theater in San Marcos (I’m an engineer and MOST engineers are trekkies… I know there are a few exceptions, but … Then again, it took me until my Junior year in college to see the Star Wars trilogy and that was after a friendly kidnapping…)
- Work is work.. We kinda got a day and a half of holidays back, but at the cost of now having to work a full work week whenever we have a holiday (i.e., we will close on Labor Day, but you are expected to work the full 40 hour week to include Fridays). It doesn’t seem like an improvement to me. But then I see much darker things happening in the forseeable future at the office. Contrary to what our bosses may think, the housing market is not into recovery mode as of yet. Housing values have not reset down to a realistic market value and have been kept overly inflated by the manipulation of the market by the Federal Reserve, the Treasury, and the President of the United States. I don’t see any recovery until we hit the hard bottom. After the $8500 housing tax credit expires at the end of the year, the current mini-boom of housing starts will end and we will have a more depressed industry. Gloomy, ain’t I today? That’s why I would probably change professions if I either quit or get laid off from my current office. It would take until 2011~2012 before we can get any meaningful change in the market.
- I have Jury Duty later this month.
- I need to travel (both because of work reasons and the fact I need to get a recharge). Maybe TFMA and another event in the October/November timeframe. I have 4.5 weeks of PTO that I must use between now and December 20th (this may change due to the changeover in Accounting software, and if I still am working by that time…)
- Football Season, baby!! If you tailgate for any of the UT games, holler at me and I want to come by to visit. I’ve never tailgated and want a good indoctrination into it…
- Why did MS wait a week and half to release R2 Server after the release of Windows 7 to Technet/MSDN?
- I have a lunch “meeting” tomorrow.. Will be different and interesting…
I’m calling this post closed now before I crash out on the keyboard (it’s been a long and adventurous day). Have a wonderful week and keep me in your prayer’s as I try to shake out my problems…
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