Yeah, I know it hasn’t been two years yet, but I want to write this now rather than wait until next week. It’s been (almost) two years since the passing of my last living parent. For those who haven’t been following the past postings, my mother and I had a kind of “co-dependent” relationship. She was dependent on me to take care of her for day-to-day living and I suspended the rest of my life to function in that role. It was definitely worth the cost. However, I have been living with the problems of trying to re-enter society. In some matters I think I have done spectacularly. In other matters I have been a complete idiot and/or too stubborn.
My successes?
- Getting out and doing more – I play in two local community bands and volunteer time at church for the tech team and coffee bar, as well as some time at the food pantry. All of this combined with work leaves me very little time each day.
- Trying to get in better shape (more on this under my failures).
- Getting better interacting with strangers – for those of you who know me, you could tell that I suffer from severe social anxiety. The root issue goes deeper than social anxiety, unfortunately. However I have been making a point to get in random conversations with people and try to small talk. It hasn’t been easy and sometimes it is a bit terrifying.
- Being outdoors more. I probably have spent more time outside the past few weekends than the last several years combined. I’m growing a new garden (to make me eat healthier).
My failures?
- Not doing enough to get in better shape. I still try to walk Rudy daily with varying distances and difficulties. I also have a personal trainer and try to work out three times a week at Anytime Fitness in New Braunfels (let me know if any of yall need a workout buddy). I find that I have made myself too busy and by the time I can go to the gym, I am so exhausted that I don’t spend enough time to do it.
- I still get stressed and un-nerved way too much. Most of you know the reasons for this and you know that I haven’t rectified the problem yet. I’m working on it – that’s all I can say about it.
- I have come to the conclusion that I am a complete moron in relationships. Perhaps “moron” isn’t a strong enough word. This aspect of my life is so difficult due to the fact that the last meaningful relationship I had was over 12 years ago. The world has changed and I haven’t changed with it. Throw in my social anxiety and things dot get much better.
I need to learn from the successes to tackle my failures. As many have noted, most of my problems are mental in nature. I acknowledge this, but then come to the realization that changing my mental processes is an arduous journey.
I’ll keep fighting the good fight and know that everything will work out the way it was intended.
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