This weekend posed new problems - of which I don’t need more of.  On top of everything I must deal with on the house and the property, I now “function” as a home for a family of skunks.  I ended up trapping five of them yesterday and I have at least two left to trap.  Fortunately, Rudy (my puppy) finally could get his rabies shot last Friday, but the fact that skunks are so close makes me nervous.  Alas, the two remaining skunks apparently are smarter than the five I trapped yesterday since they have avoided the cage like the plague.  Hopefully they will be trapped tomorrow and I can feel safe leaving Rudy outside when I’m not around.

This same weekend also saw me miss my continuing education opportunity up in Austin, get stuck behind an accident on IH 35 north of Buda that shut the interstate down for hours (I didn’t wait - I got off the highway and followed the back roads to get to Austin).  Installing a motion light took hours when it should have only taken a few minutes.  You get the point.

This week also is (hopefully) my last stressful week at work.  We have been working on DFIRM protests and appeals for the past ninety days.  The deadline for these appeals/protests/etc are due at the close of business on Wednesday.  So the next three days are going to suck, but I will be taking off Thursday and now that we are on ten hour days (starting tomorrow), we will have Friday(s) off.  Now I just will need to wait out the next round of comings and goings at the office.  The housing bubble has now hit San Antonio with a vengeance.  Not like the 80’s or California today, but still very bad.  I’ve been expecting this the past two years as I like to keep track of real estate for possible future investment opportunities, but we haven’t hit the bottom and we won’t hit the bottom yet due to the mortgage bailout. 

Enough depressing talk, though this isn’t much better.

Today, when I went to church (went to an evening service due to the skunk problem above), I picked up one of the Celebrate Recovery - Codependency brochure.  This seems very much like what is definately wrong with me:  Assume responsibility for others;  Guilt; Difficulty expressing feelings; afraid of being hurt/rejected by others; minimize/deny how you feel; put others (opinions, feelings, needs, or desires) before your own; judge everything harshly;etc…  I did realize this was a problem - I know I was codependent with my mother.  However most literature about codependency refers to some sort of abuse - chemical, physical, etc.  This wasn’t my situation.  So I haven’t been able to use the common reference materials to fight codependency.  Even now, I still am wandering around aimlessly trying to find a new target to attach myself to.  This is dangerous and disasterous for me.  I know I must overcome.  Aarrgghh..  Why can’t life be simpler.

On that same vein, I need to learn how to make relationships.  I’m afraid to do so.  I’ve been afraid for most of my life.  The few that I have had have been wonderful, but not made to last.  I know that I am still in the beginning of the grieving process.  This will limit me to some point and I need to be careful of what relationships I do make as I would be more “vulnerable” than I would otherwise be.  However, loneliness and depression will follow if I don’t tackle this problem.  I want to live in a comfort zone.  I mustn’t do so.

Well, enough for this post for now.  I’ll post back letter and make sure you keep me in your prayers. 

-Jeffrey

1.  Crossmen - The local corp.  I loved your music choices and program.  The playing quality was underwhelming compared to the other corps in the final and in my opinion, this is one of largest obstacles to tackle before Indianapolis next month.

2.  The Blue Coats - I loved the story line of your program.  It was the clearest story and the narration wasn’t over the top - once you got to the story.  I was distracted by your punching bag prop when they were behind the screens on the sidelines.

3.  The Blue Devils - Excellent performance.  Your visual effects and the use of props was excellent and well thought out.  Playing quality was OK, but I’ve seen you guys do better.   Right now you set the standards the others must follow..

4.  Carolina Crown - Despite what others are saying, I loved your music selection..  You guys have dynamics down pat.  Excellent playing and brass-sections.  To me, y’all were the best overall ensemble.  Nice after-event performance (the christmas song was funny…).

5.  Phantom Regiment - I AM SPARTACUS…  Excellent show.  Nice that you didn’t do narration - you don’t need it..  Based on what I saw, you will be contending with the Blue Devils and the Cavaliers.

6.  The Cadets - I’ve read that the show yesterday had less narration than your past ones..  However, IMNSHO, you need to cut out more.  The stage and the narration was over the top.  I actually missed much of your performance due to the stage set on the field and the narration of a story that didn’t seem to have much of “in the pursuit of happiness…”.

7.  The Cavaliers - Sorry for listing you so far down.  Your show was technically great and your theme was good.  You are clearly second to the Blue Devils right now.  There wasn’t much - what do you want to call it? - “pop” in your program.  Your corp was the second-best “ensemble” out there.. 

8.  The Glassmen - What was the deal with the chests?  I (and most of the others around me in the stand) had no idea what your story line was?

General thoughts:

1.  I don’t remember which corps did this, but the “stereo” effect was awesome…

2.  Tuba solos rock…  Not that I’m biased here… 

All in all, an incredible experience.  Good luck to all of y’all at the championships and enjoy your time “On the Road Again.”  (you know I had to get that reference in…).

Jeffrey

New Braunfels Weather

1.  My first indoor dog.  Well, let me rephrase that.  He stays inside with me at night.  He’s outside while I am at work.  And that is probably how it will stay.  I eventually would like him to sleep on the foot of my bed, but I am a LONG way from that right now.

2.  Caregiving.  The thoughts of almost everyone who knows me has been that I need a puppy to keep from dwelling on the past.  This ALMOST worked..  I’m not dwelling as much, but when I do, it goes very deep.

We’ll see how things progress.  I love the puppy.  I wish he would stop using my finger as it’s own personal chewing toy, but I’m starting to break him of that habit.  I took him out walking in the neighborhood in front of my house tonight (I walk with him nightly, but have been varying the route to let him see more) and he got a lot of socializing.  I think that we had about 10 children of various ages come to pet him, three parents, and two other families.  I was getting a bit concerned about finding children for his socialization, but when he is at the “cute puppy” age, I guess that isn’t an insurmountable problem.

In other matters this past week:

1.  I went to church with Stephen today.  I go to church every weekend, but this is the first time I actually went with somebody.  Actually, I picked his church today since the Comal Community Band, of which I am a member, had a “thank you” concert for the church for using their facilities for our weekly practice this past month.  Nice service.  Methodist churches are not too bad, but they take a while to get used to.  Also, the fact that we were singing patriotic hymns was also a pleasant experience.

2.  After church, I attended the band wrap-up party for this season.  We do have one more rehersals and two more performances on Friday (July 4), but it made sense to do the wrap party on a non-holiday weekend.  In the past, I wouldn’t have attended.  However, in an effort to make myself do more, I am forcing myself to leave my comfort zone and do things.  I still need to do more and my to-do list for the summer and fall is still very very long.

3.  Work sucks.  I’m sorry to be so blunt with that statement, but it’s the unfortunate truth.  We (me and Stephen) have so much work piled on us between now and August 8 and it will be a daunting task for us to actually finish it all.  So as you can surmise, the stress level has gone up considerably, which is exactly what I do not need at this time.  Oh well…  I’m starting to run a countdown clock to August 8 and then want to take a trip after that time.  Plus, I have so much unfinished business that I need to take care of, like probate and other legal matters.

4.  Friends rock.  Another short but profound statement.  I’m afraid to think of what type of shape I would be in at this point without the bedrock of support from others.  I feel so small, though, in that I haven’t been the person that I could have been in the past.  I consistently concentrated on issues around me (and my family) and generally ignored everything else externally.  That needs to stop as of now.

In closing I want to add a reminder that you can also keep track of me via Twitter, Friendfeed, or Facebook.  On Twitter and Friendfeed, my alias is JeffreyCentex and you can find me by my name on Facebook. 

Thank you for reading and may God bless you and your family!

Now I just need to get over this guilt.  Yes, I even made a promise two days before D-Day to not be sad or guilty.  It is just hard to follow through on that when guilt has been ruling my life for years in almost everything I do or have done.

This is a picture Stephen and Jason took that fateful night a few weeks ago…

 That was a hat I picked up from my last trip to Seattle….

This past weekend was one of the times when I searched the depths of my soul.  Today, I spent about three hours crying and yelling and about seven hours total this weekend.  To quote Thomas Paine, these are the times that try men’s souls.  Although I am not undergoing the struggles that Thomas Paine meant in The Crisis, I am fighting my own internal war.  I see a light at the end of the tunnel, but the journey there is fraught with difficulty and pain.  I realize that this is therapeutic and I will end up being a better man for going through it, the process still is extremely painful.

I’m striving to be strong through this experience.  I have some incredible friends who have done much to help me deal with all of these crises I am undergoing.  I can’t thank them enough for being there, for putting up with my stubborness and naivete, and for forcing me to push the envelope so to speak.  I may struggle and resist, but the experience is worth it. 

So, as I complete the second month anniversary this week, I must reflect on my experiences thusfar:

My promises and their Status:

• Try new things…  This one is probably my hardest, but it is one that I am actively forcing myself to do, sometimes with a bit of prodding by others.  I give myself a solid C+ here.
• Attend church weekly…  This one I have done…  I’m looking for a church to call home and have been “church shopping” the past two months..  I think that I may have a permanent solution, but it has to be right for me and my theological viewpoint.
• Exercise more…  I started well, but have back slid a bit lately.  I have been averaging about 2.5 miles every time I go out on a walk, but lately it has only been 3~4 times a week.  This is partially due to heat and also partially due to other problems.
• Take care of my health…  Like above, I’m trying to do this…
• Don’t dwell…  I dwell.  I always have.  I think I always will.  This requires a major change in my psychological makeup.  I’m better than I used to be, but most would say that I am a pathological “dwell”-er.  This is a solid D+ here.
• Reconnect with friends…  I’m trying here…  This is a bit hard because I burned quite a few bridges..  A lot of my problems relate to my naivete and I don’t realize that I may have offended or off-put someone and I don’t fix it immediately.  I’m working on this.
• Meet people…  I still chicken out way too easily here.  I need a “social security blanket” before I feel safe to go out and try.  So my likelihood of meeting someone and get into a real relationship is a bit dreary.

Other Thoughts

• My brain is the source of a lot of my problems..  I overreact and over-compensate way too much.
• I have a lot of work to do.  It will take forever to get everything under control.
• I’m too stressed out to be very effective.  I’m adjusting to stress and am trying not to force myself to do more than I can handle, but then I upset others.
• My temper is much shorter.  I seem to have no problem telling others who have pushed me too far.  This is new.
• I miss both of my parents very dearly and know that I will see them again in the future.

Thanks for listening and reading as I rambled on here…

I added an additional photo of my father to the Family section of him on his beloved Farm-All-B (sp) tractor.  This was a few years before he passed away.  I will have many more photos to post later this weekend and in the coming weeks.  I plan to digitize many of the photos that I have around the house and in the photo albums.  I don’t have much that is current, though, as we all hated having our pictures taken, so there won’t be much from later in my parent’s life or many that show me the way that I am today.  So go ahead and enjoy these pictures and I ask that if you have any other photos of any of us, please sent them and I’ll scan them in and post them.

Also, I have been using my Canon MP530 copier/scanner/fax machine to scan the pictures.  This device will allow me to scan several items at a time and then automatically crop out each individual picture for me.  I may tweak the settings on some of the future photos to increase the DPI somewhat, but for the purpose of posting them to the web, there won’t be much appreciable difference.

Again, thanks to everyone…

The family photo album will be found here.  And if you have more photos, please forward them on to me and I will scan and post them for all to see.

Thank you.