Jeffreys Ruminations » Church

Second Year Thoughts

jeffreycentex — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 03:51:10 +0000

Yeah, I know it hasn’t been two years yet, but I want to write this now rather than wait until next week. It’s been (almost) two years since the passing of my last living parent. For those who haven’t been following the past postings, my mother and I had a kind of “co-dependent” relationship. She was dependent on me to take care of her for day-to-day living and I suspended the rest of my life to function in that role. It was definitely worth the cost. However, I have been living with the problems of trying to re-enter society. In some matters I think I have done spectacularly. In other matters I have been a complete idiot and/or too stubborn.

My successes?

Getting out and doing more – I play in two local community bands and volunteer time at church for the tech team and coffee bar, as well as some time at the food pantry. All of this combined with work leaves me very little time each day.
Trying to get in better shape (more on this under my failures).
Getting better interacting with strangers – for those of you who know me, you could tell that I suffer from severe social anxiety. The root issue goes deeper than social anxiety, unfortunately. However I have been making a point to get in random conversations with people and try to small talk. It hasn’t been easy and sometimes it is a bit terrifying.
Being outdoors more. I probably have spent more time outside the past few weekends than the last several years combined. I’m growing a new garden (to make me eat healthier).

My failures?

Not doing enough to get in better shape. I still try to walk Rudy daily with varying distances and difficulties. I also have a personal trainer and try to work out three times a week at Anytime Fitness in New Braunfels (let me know if any of yall need a workout buddy). I find that I have made myself too busy and by the time I can go to the gym, I am so exhausted that I don’t spend enough time to do it.
I still get stressed and un-nerved way too much. Most of you know the reasons for this and you know that I haven’t rectified the problem yet. I’m working on it – that’s all I can say about it.
I have come to the conclusion that I am a complete moron in relationships. Perhaps “moron” isn’t a strong enough word. This aspect of my life is so difficult due to the fact that the last meaningful relationship I had was over 12 years ago. The world has changed and I haven’t changed with it. Throw in my social anxiety and things dot get much better.

I need to learn from the successes to tackle my failures. As many have noted, most of my problems are mental in nature. I acknowledge this, but then come to the realization that changing my mental processes is an arduous journey.

I’ll keep fighting the good fight and know that everything will work out the way it was intended.

2009 New Years Resolutions

jeffreycentex — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 03:49:14 +0000

OK, I missed my “What I Want for Christmas” post, but I will make the 2009 New Years Resolution posting before 2008 is over. 2008 has been an extremely difficult and depressing year. I want 2009 to be a fresh start in all aspects of my life. Thus, most of my resolutions are in the “self-help” mode and I will actually strive to follow them. Well, first the list:

Live Life in the Present and with No Regrets
Keep Up With Exercise and Being More Active
Learn How to Relax and Not Stress

These may seem to be simple and to most people would be fairly trivial. For me, they seem almost insurmountable. I’ll describe below why I need to conquer these resolutions and how I intend to do so.

Live Life in the Present with No Regrets

This will be the hardest for me to accomplish. I tend to live my life looking towards the past. Thus, I let past events and mistakes haunt me. In some ways, this explains my extreme introversion as I’m not comfortable in ever letting my guard down in fear of having to relive past regrets. It was much more comfortable to isolate myself into the world of my own making. Living this way is no way to exist. I acknowledge this and thus why I want to do something to resolve this. However, I am my own worst enemy.

How do I wish to tackle this problem? One tact I have recently adopted is “I don’t care what you think of me and what I am doing”. This isn’t the best way to tackle this because I need to have some awareness of how I am seen or percieved of by others. I’m using this tact to help boost my self-esteem. After I boost my self-esteem, I’m hoping that it will encourage me to be more open. Another thing I am trying to change is to convince myself not to always equate every new experience to some bad memory from the past. This behavior is causing me to retract from society and back into my shell. Tackling this will help me live my life with no regrets.

I have been actively working on this area and I hope that some of the changes I made are showing progress. Attending the “Live Life Like You Were Dying” sermon series at a local church this past fall has also helped give me new insights on how to live life everyday in the present and with a sense of purpose. Also, I feel that following the second and third resolutions will help me in solving this one as they also would do more in increasing my self-worth and extroversion.

Keep Up With Exercise and Being More Active

I’m actually somewhat successful with the first half of this, but am extremely lacking on the second half of this resolution. Ever since the event of 2008, I have made it point to exercise in some form or fashion. I’m still starting slowly as I don’t want to jeopardize myself too much. I started by doing short walk. Over time, I progressed to longer walks and even some short hikes. I now regularly do 3 to 4 mile walks with my puppy around the neighborhood and on a monthly basis take the puppy to do some of the local hikes on trails around time (I mean to do this more, but the holidays and allergies have been a detriment to me). I want to continue to do this, and start adding some bike rides of the areas (my rear end does not like the bike seat yet…). Also, when I finish cleaning, painting, and install flooring into my old bedroom, I want to put a treadmill and a stationery bike into it along with my existing weight set.

Now for the second half of this resolution – the getting more active – has two sides. One side of the getting more active is to do more things – like camping, taking trips, etc. Most of these things I will discuss in the third resolution. The second (and more important) side is to actually “get out and do stuff”. At the same church that had the “Live Life Like You Were Dying”, they had a pre-Christmas message on loneliness that hit home to me. One principle that he stressed to us was to not turn down invitations to get out and do things. I’m known for living in my cave and not socializing with others. This has to stop. I’m much better at it now that I used to be, but I need to do MUCH MUCH MORE in this regards. And even right now, I’m still ignoring an active invite, so it still is something I need to do much more work on. Thus far, I have been relying on others to help me with this. I still will need this help, but I also need to be more willing to try more activities.

Thus, if you have an activity you would like me to do and if it is something I would find morally or ethically acceptable, don’t take no from me as an answer.

Learn How to Relax and Not Stress

This one would definitely seem easy to most people. I don’t relax. I don’t turn off. I’m serious 24 hours a day. What I consider enjoyable most people would think of as a form of work. I definitely need work here. The lack of relaxation and the stress I put on myself both from work, personal issues, and from past regrets weighs heavily on my life.

How do I do this one? I’m hoping in going out and doing things will teach me how to relax. I’m outdoors much more now than I have been in ages. This has helped to relieve some stress, but it’s only a start. That’s one of the reasons why I want to go camping, travel to places, etc. I just need to motivate myself to just go out and do them. For now, I’m going to go do these things myself. Eventually, I need to find people to go do these things with. For now, it’s just important to go do them…

What do I want to do? This is a long list:

Go Camping at Bastrop State Park (I have the Parks Pass)

Go to the Coast (Rockport)

Go to Enchanted Rock

Geocache

Do the Austin Hike/Bike Trails

Finally go Tubing for the first time of my life…

Get in the car, pick a direction, and just drive until I find something to do…

Seems easy, doesn’t it… Ha… Wish me luck.

P.S., What did I want for Christmas?

Absolution – Something no person on earth can give me, but what I already have.
Assurance – See absolution Above
Forgiveness – I am striving to forgive anyone who has aggrieved me over the years and all I want from others is their forgiveness for any and everything I may have done. I don’t always perceive when I wrong someone and I’m sorry for that…

September Thoughts

jeffreycentex — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 01:45:32 +0000

I just posted what was probably my first three page long rant posting. It’s password protected as it was only meant for me to have a relief posting. It helped somewhat…

On to my regular posting. It has been almost five months since the incident. I’m still struggling with raw emotions, grief, and regrets quite a few times a week. It’s getting better in some ways and worse in other ways. This is normal, though. Time will act as the best salve for what is vexing me…

I won’t comment on work other than to say that I am not a happy camper right now… Four of my officemates, though, have been of incredible help and comfort to me as of late. I will try to be a better and happier worker, but it will require a strength of will and forgiveness that will be difficult for me to muster.

Since my last posting, I have gone to two high school football games (New Braunfels versus Seguin and NB Canyon), one college game (UT vs FAU), and a game watching party for the UT vs UTEP game last night. I used to go to the high school football games all the time back when my father was still alive, so going back proved to be a good distraction for me. So good, in fact, that I ended up buying season tickets for New Braunfels home games. The UT/FAU game was my normal opening game that I have attended every year since 1997 when I first started getting UT season tickets. And last night, a college friend who lives in New Braunfels decided to hold a game watching party at his house. He projected the game against a sheet hung over his (open) garage door. The weather was perfect and the fellowship was great. As for church, I spent the past two weeks at Oakwood Baptist in New Braunfels – last week at their Sunday night service and then I was invited to one of the morning services this morning. I like their church – I just wish it had more traditional worship. I prefer the Sunday evening as it is in a much smaller and cozier venue and I don’t have to fight parking to get in and out.

This week I have two more games and I will be staying up in Austin to geocache after the game – that or climbing Mt Bonnell. I have a Doctor appointment on Friday that I am a bit concerned about (the pinched nerve, or what I think is a pinched nerve, in my toe is a bit concerning) and Rudy has a vet visit Friday afternoon for his last set of puppy shots. And this weekend, I think I will check out Crossroads Community Church in Austin – another college friend is on the staff their and listening to a few of the sermons online proves that they are orthodox which is a requirement for me.

That will be it for now. Thanks for listening.

YBIC, Jeffrey

August Musings

jeffreycentex — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 03:23:10 +0000

Well, we have finally reached August, temperatures are hitting record highs, and summer is finally close to being over. This year has been bad. Much of it has to do with the events of March and April, but sometimes life is zigging when I want it to zag.

This weekend posed new problems – of which I don’t need more of. On top of everything I must deal with on the house and the property, I now “function” as a home for a family of skunks. I ended up trapping five of them yesterday and I have at least two left to trap. Fortunately, Rudy (my puppy) finally could get his rabies shot last Friday, but the fact that skunks are so close makes me nervous. Alas, the two remaining skunks apparently are smarter than the five I trapped yesterday since they have avoided the cage like the plague. Hopefully they will be trapped tomorrow and I can feel safe leaving Rudy outside when I’m not around.

This same weekend also saw me miss my continuing education opportunity up in Austin, get stuck behind an accident on IH 35 north of Buda that shut the interstate down for hours (I didn’t wait – I got off the highway and followed the back roads to get to Austin). Installing a motion light took hours when it should have only taken a few minutes. You get the point.

This week also is (hopefully) my last stressful week at work. We have been working on DFIRM protests and appeals for the past ninety days. The deadline for these appeals/protests/etc are due at the close of business on Wednesday. So the next three days are going to suck, but I will be taking off Thursday and now that we are on ten hour days (starting tomorrow), we will have Friday(s) off. Now I just will need to wait out the next round of comings and goings at the office. The housing bubble has now hit San Antonio with a vengeance. Not like the 80′s or California today, but still very bad. I’ve been expecting this the past two years as I like to keep track of real estate for possible future investment opportunities, but we haven’t hit the bottom and we won’t hit the bottom yet due to the mortgage bailout.

Enough depressing talk, though this isn’t much better.

Today, when I went to church (went to an evening service due to the skunk problem above), I picked up one of the Celebrate Recovery – Codependency brochure. This seems very much like what is definately wrong with me: Assume responsibility for others; Guilt; Difficulty expressing feelings; afraid of being hurt/rejected by others; minimize/deny how you feel; put others (opinions, feelings, needs, or desires) before your own; judge everything harshly;etc… I did realize this was a problem – I know I was codependent with my mother. However most literature about codependency refers to some sort of abuse – chemical, physical, etc. This wasn’t my situation. So I haven’t been able to use the common reference materials to fight codependency. Even now, I still am wandering around aimlessly trying to find a new target to attach myself to. This is dangerous and disasterous for me. I know I must overcome. Aarrgghh.. Why can’t life be simpler.

On that same vein, I need to learn how to make relationships. I’m afraid to do so. I’ve been afraid for most of my life. The few that I have had have been wonderful, but not made to last. I know that I am still in the beginning of the grieving process. This will limit me to some point and I need to be careful of what relationships I do make as I would be more “vulnerable” than I would otherwise be. However, loneliness and depression will follow if I don’t tackle this problem. I want to live in a comfort zone. I mustn’t do so.

Well, enough for this post for now. I’ll post back letter and make sure you keep me in your prayers.

-Jeffrey

Puppy Love

jeffreycentex — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 04:29:15 +0000

In case you haven’t seen my Twitter or Facebook postings, I picked up my 7-week old chocolate lab puppy named Rudy (after my grandfather Rudolph Jaks, and also my father’s middle name – Wilburn Rudolph Randow) from a former co-worker last weekend. This has been an interesting experience due to the fact that this is:

1. My first indoor dog. Well, let me rephrase that. He stays inside with me at night. He’s outside while I am at work. And that is probably how it will stay. I eventually would like him to sleep on the foot of my bed, but I am a LONG way from that right now.

2. Caregiving. The thoughts of almost everyone who knows me has been that I need a puppy to keep from dwelling on the past. This ALMOST worked.. I’m not dwelling as much, but when I do, it goes very deep.

We’ll see how things progress. I love the puppy. I wish he would stop using my finger as it’s own personal chewing toy, but I’m starting to break him of that habit. I took him out walking in the neighborhood in front of my house tonight (I walk with him nightly, but have been varying the route to let him see more) and he got a lot of socializing. I think that we had about 10 children of various ages come to pet him, three parents, and two other families. I was getting a bit concerned about finding children for his socialization, but when he is at the “cute puppy” age, I guess that isn’t an insurmountable problem.

In other matters this past week:

1. I went to church with Stephen today. I go to church every weekend, but this is the first time I actually went with somebody. Actually, I picked his church today since the Comal Community Band, of which I am a member, had a “thank you” concert for the church for using their facilities for our weekly practice this past month. Nice service. Methodist churches are not too bad, but they take a while to get used to. Also, the fact that we were singing patriotic hymns was also a pleasant experience.

2. After church, I attended the band wrap-up party for this season. We do have one more rehersals and two more performances on Friday (July 4), but it made sense to do the wrap party on a non-holiday weekend. In the past, I wouldn’t have attended. However, in an effort to make myself do more, I am forcing myself to leave my comfort zone and do things. I still need to do more and my to-do list for the summer and fall is still very very long.

3. Work sucks. I’m sorry to be so blunt with that statement, but it’s the unfortunate truth. We (me and Stephen) have so much work piled on us between now and August 8 and it will be a daunting task for us to actually finish it all. So as you can surmise, the stress level has gone up considerably, which is exactly what I do not need at this time. Oh well… I’m starting to run a countdown clock to August 8 and then want to take a trip after that time. Plus, I have so much unfinished business that I need to take care of, like probate and other legal matters.

4. Friends rock. Another short but profound statement. I’m afraid to think of what type of shape I would be in at this point without the bedrock of support from others. I feel so small, though, in that I haven’t been the person that I could have been in the past. I consistently concentrated on issues around me (and my family) and generally ignored everything else externally. That needs to stop as of now.

In closing I want to add a reminder that you can also keep track of me via Twitter, Friendfeed, or Facebook. On Twitter and Friendfeed, my alias is JeffreyCentex and you can find me by my name on Facebook.

Thank you for reading and may God bless you and your family!