Tag Archives: Grief

First Year Thoughts

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It has now been one full year since I had to “press the reset button of life”. I can’t say that the past year has been easy. It has been rough. Terribly rough. But it is a phase of my life that I must push through, regardless if I want to or not.   I’m writing this posting to talk about things that I have learned over the past year and some of the areas that I need to improve on.

Things that I have learned:

  • That it is possible to make changes even when everything seems so bleak, so hopeless.  Change was necessary to keep from drowning in pain and suffering.  Change is not easy.  There were times that I practically hated myself for making the same “destructive” decisions because they were too comfortable. 
  • I have learned that everyone has a purpose.  One person can impact a countless number of lives.  I think back to the number of people who I had influenced over the year and I was staggered by the implications.  Friends, family, enemies, and even people whom I have never met were impacted by my existence.  This thought alone, as strange as it may seem, helped me on the path of “coping” (I can’t say recover because I haven’t recovered and won’t do so for some time).
  • Life can and will be cruel.  I learned this lesson the hard way.  It’s not something that I didn’t know beforehand, but I “noticed” it more afterwards.  However, these experiences strengthen us and can positively impact our life.
  • Relationships in life are important.  Too bad that I completely suck at making and maintaining them.  This is the aspect I need to improve on the most, but one that is dependent on solving other issues of my life first (i.e., self worth).  Also, I need to mention that there have been some very important people in my life the past year who have helped me survive the “storms of my life” over the past year and I sincerely thank them for their help.

Things that I need to improve on:

  • From above, I mentioned “self worth”.  I’m getting better at having a more positive “self esteem”, but I’m not quite there yet.  As I also mentioned, this is hurting me in other aspects of my life.  I need to work on this, but this requires a fundamental change of my personality.
  • Get out more.  I still stress on the “getting things done” phase of life and haven’t learned to relax yet.  Again, this requires a change in my personality.
  • I need to get a sense of humor.  I’m very serious, normally.  If you know me well, you know that it is possible that I can have humor in my life.  But generally that side of me is very reserved.  I’m normally very serious.  I’m not a cut-up.  I don’t seek attention (actually, I tend to run whenever a spotlight is on me).  It’s this level of discomfort I must resolve.  Again, this is (partially) related to the first required improvement above.

There are still times in my life when I wonder to myself – Why?  What’s the purpose?.  These times are scary.  I’m happy to say that they come less frequently over the past few months.  Grief sucks.  It is, however, a necessary phase of life that everyone must go through.  And it can be a slow harrowing process.

-more information later-

September Thoughts

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I just posted what was probably my first three page long rant posting. It’s password protected as it was only meant for me to have a relief posting. It helped somewhat… :)

On to my regular posting. It has been almost five months since the incident. I’m still struggling with raw emotions, grief, and regrets quite a few times a week. It’s getting better in some ways and worse in other ways. This is normal, though. Time will act as the best salve for what is vexing me…

I won’t comment on work other than to say that I am not a happy camper right now… Four of my officemates, though, have been of incredible help and comfort to me as of late. I will try to be a better and happier worker, but it will require a strength of will and forgiveness that will be difficult for me to muster.

Since my last posting, I have gone to two high school football games (New Braunfels versus Seguin and NB Canyon), one college game (UT vs FAU), and a game watching party for the UT vs UTEP game last night. I used to go to the high school football games all the time back when my father was still alive, so going back proved to be a good distraction for me. So good, in fact, that I ended up buying season tickets for New Braunfels home games. The UT/FAU game was my normal opening game that I have attended every year since 1997 when I first started getting UT season tickets. And last night, a college friend who lives in New Braunfels decided to hold a game watching party at his house. He projected the game against a sheet hung over his (open) garage door. The weather was perfect and the fellowship was great. As for church, I spent the past two weeks at Oakwood Baptist in New Braunfels – last week at their Sunday night service and then I was invited to one of the morning services this morning. I like their church – I just wish it had more traditional worship. I prefer the Sunday evening as it is in a much smaller and cozier venue and I don’t have to fight parking to get in and out.

This week I have two more games and I will be staying up in Austin to geocache after the game – that or climbing Mt Bonnell. I have a Doctor appointment on Friday that I am a bit concerned about (the pinched nerve, or what I think is a pinched nerve, in my toe is a bit concerning) and Rudy has a vet visit Friday afternoon for his last set of puppy shots. And this weekend, I think I will check out Crossroads Community Church in Austin – another college friend is on the staff their and listening to a few of the sermons online proves that they are orthodox which is a requirement for me.

That will be it for now. Thanks for listening.

YBIC, Jeffrey

Grief Sucks and Other Musings

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Well, I’m quickly approaching the two month anniversary of my mother’s passing (one week from today on Father’s Day).  I have had my ups and downs.  Some days are incredible.  Some days involve me dwelling in places so horrible that I can’t believe my mind can conjure them.  I know this is a process and that everyone has to go through it.  When my dad passed away a bit over ten years ago, the grief process wasn’t as involved.  It was there, but was abbreviated since I wasn’t that close with him over the years.  Living the past six years as a caregiver, especially the past four years has made me have an attachment to my mother that basically borders on co-dependence.  The normalcy of my life has disappeared.  Cope, I have.  I still have outbursts of pain, sadness, and dejection that border on depression, though. 

This past weekend was one of the times when I searched the depths of my soul.  Today, I spent about three hours crying and yelling and about seven hours total this weekend.  To quote Thomas Paine, these are the times that try men’s souls.  Although I am not undergoing the struggles that Thomas Paine meant in The Crisis, I am fighting my own internal war.  I see a light at the end of the tunnel, but the journey there is fraught with difficulty and pain.  I realize that this is therapeutic and I will end up being a better man for going through it, the process still is extremely painful.

I’m striving to be strong through this experience.  I have some incredible friends who have done much to help me deal with all of these crises I am undergoing.  I can’t thank them enough for being there, for putting up with my stubborness and naivete, and for forcing me to push the envelope so to speak.  I may struggle and resist, but the experience is worth it. 

So, as I complete the second month anniversary this week, I must reflect on my experiences thusfar:

My promises and their Status:

  • Try new things…  This one is probably my hardest, but it is one that I am actively forcing myself to do, sometimes with a bit of prodding by others.  I give myself a solid C+ here.
  • Attend church weekly…  This one I have done…  I’m looking for a church to call home and have been “church shopping” the past two months..  I think that I may have a permanent solution, but it has to be right for me and my theological viewpoint.
  • Exercise more…  I started well, but have back slid a bit lately.  I have been averaging about 2.5 miles every time I go out on a walk, but lately it has only been 3~4 times a week.  This is partially due to heat and also partially due to other problems.
  • Take care of my health…  Like above, I’m trying to do this…
  • Don’t dwell…  I dwell.  I always have.  I think I always will.  This requires a major change in my psychological makeup.  I’m better than I used to be, but most would say that I am a pathological “dwell”-er.  This is a solid D+ here.
  • Reconnect with friends…  I’m trying here…  This is a bit hard because I burned quite a few bridges..  A lot of my problems relate to my naivete and I don’t realize that I may have offended or off-put someone and I don’t fix it immediately.  I’m working on this.
  • Meet people…  I still chicken out way too easily here.  I need a “social security blanket” before I feel safe to go out and try.  So my likelihood of meeting someone and get into a real relationship is a bit dreary.

Other Thoughts

  • My brain is the source of a lot of my problems..  I overreact and over-compensate way too much.
  • I have a lot of work to do.  It will take forever to get everything under control.
  • I’m too stressed out to be very effective.  I’m adjusting to stress and am trying not to force myself to do more than I can handle, but then I upset others.
  • My temper is much shorter.  I seem to have no problem telling others who have pushed me too far.  This is new.
  • I miss both of my parents very dearly and know that I will see them again in the future.

Thanks for listening and reading as I rambled on here…