My successes?

• Getting out and doing more – I play in two local community bands and volunteer time at church for the tech team and coffee bar, as well as some time at the food pantry.  All of this combined with work leaves me very little time each day.
• Trying to get in better shape (more on this under my failures).
• Getting better interacting with strangers – for those of you who know me, you could tell that I suffer from severe social anxiety.  The root issue goes deeper than social anxiety, unfortunately.  However I have been making a point to get in random conversations with people and try to small talk.  It hasn’t been easy and sometimes it is a bit terrifying.
• Being outdoors more.  I probably have spent more time outside the past few weekends than the last several years combined.  I’m growing a new garden (to make me eat healthier).

My failures?

• Not doing enough to get in better shape.  I still try to walk Rudy daily with varying distances and difficulties.  I also have a personal trainer and try to work out three times a week at Anytime Fitness in New Braunfels (let me know if any of yall need a workout buddy).  I find that I have made myself too busy and by the time I can go to the gym, I am so exhausted that I don’t spend enough time to do it.
• I still get stressed and un-nerved way too much.  Most of you know the reasons for this and you know that I haven’t rectified the problem yet.  I’m working on it – that’s all I can say about it.
• I have come to the conclusion that I am a complete moron in relationships.  Perhaps “moron” isn’t a strong enough word.  This aspect of my life is so difficult due to the fact that the last meaningful relationship I had was over 12 years ago.  The world has changed and I haven’t changed with it.  Throw in my social anxiety and things dot get much better.

I need to learn from the successes to tackle my failures.  As many have noted, most of my problems are mental in nature.  I acknowledge this, but then come to the realization that changing my mental processes is an arduous journey.

I’ll keep fighting the good fight and know that everything will work out the way it was intended.

The positives, thusfar:

• I’m trying to not be scared of talking to people.  As I have said on Facebook, during the Memorial Day weekend, I actually went out and tried to talk to people – both at the church function on Sunday and at the concert in Boerne the following Monday.  My problem – I can only seem to feel at ease talking with other guys.  I’m still too intimidated by women.  However, a start is a start and I won’t criticize myself for that.
• I’m actually going to take a trip this summer.  Not my cruise to Alaska (I’d like to do that in the fall if the prices are still down – I don’t want to go to Alaska in the summer), but to a place I have already been once before that I had no intention of ever visiting again.  This trip will push my limits somewhat.
• I also have actually gone out and done things.  I went to the first baseball regional game up in Austin last weekend (and watched/listened to the marathon 25 inning game on Saturday night at home), reminisced with friends, and generally had a good time.  This is something I am accused of all the time – not ever having fun.  I do, but my concept of fun is different than most other guys or gals.
• Exercise – I still try to walk my 2.5+ miles a day.  Today I added a bicycle ride around the neighborhood, but I am still not in shape enough (and the bike doesn’t exactly suit me as I need the handlebars raised about 5 inches to be comfortable) with the hills around here to do that on a daily basis.  I’m going to intersperse that with my walking and my occaisonal jog/walk combo.  I also now have a Wii at the house and have been playing the activity games and started using “My Fitness Coach” to get in better shape.  My goal is to be down 40 pounds by the end of the year.

The negatives?

• The “self worth” or esteem is still an issue that I am fighting a losing battle on.  I’m trying to stand up for myself and think positive thoughts, but I have been in this quagmire for so long that I think this is something I will never conquer to the extent that I need to conquer.  This has been a long time issue for me and solving it will be one of the hardest and most emotionally gut-wrenching experiences that I will need to go through.
• Women.  Why do I feel intimidated?  I know much of it is from the previous statement.  I need to conquer this in order to get into any type of meaningful relationship.  Due to my set of values and my life compass, this will likewise be one of the most difficult taks I will face.  However, I’m not getting younger, and if I ever want to have kids of my own, I need to “take the bull by the horn”, so to speak.
• Depression.  I still have it.  Partially from the two issues above, grief, and stress.  The two issues above are self explanatory.  Grief is something I will face for the next few years.  It isn’t as bad as it was during the first year, but I still feel it tugging at me from time to time.  Guilt is also directly tied into the grief.  Stress is from the job.  There is not much I can do about that one and I don’t know how to tackle that one.  But then work has been depressing me on and off for the past 13 years, so it is something I’m used to having an issue with.
• Getting out more – I had this listed as a positive, but it still isn’t enough.  I need to be around people other than my coworkers to help rebuild my social skills, which will in turn help with issue #1 and #2 above.  Plus, I have had an aim to go camping sometime in this past year, which I have yet to do.

So as you can see, there has been some progress and some regression.

Things that I have learned:

• That it is possible to make changes even when everything seems so bleak, so hopeless.  Change was necessary to keep from drowning in pain and suffering.  Change is not easy.  There were times that I practically hated myself for making the same “destructive” decisions because they were too comfortable. 
• I have learned that everyone has a purpose.  One person can impact a countless number of lives.  I think back to the number of people who I had influenced over the year and I was staggered by the implications.  Friends, family, enemies, and even people whom I have never met were impacted by my existence.  This thought alone, as strange as it may seem, helped me on the path of “coping” (I can’t say recover because I haven’t recovered and won’t do so for some time).
• Life can and will be cruel.  I learned this lesson the hard way.  It’s not something that I didn’t know beforehand, but I “noticed” it more afterwards.  However, these experiences strengthen us and can positively impact our life.
• Relationships in life are important.  Too bad that I completely suck at making and maintaining them.  This is the aspect I need to improve on the most, but one that is dependent on solving other issues of my life first (i.e., self worth).  Also, I need to mention that there have been some very important people in my life the past year who have helped me survive the “storms of my life” over the past year and I sincerely thank them for their help.

Things that I need to improve on:

• From above, I mentioned “self worth”.  I’m getting better at having a more positive “self esteem”, but I’m not quite there yet.  As I also mentioned, this is hurting me in other aspects of my life.  I need to work on this, but this requires a fundamental change of my personality.
• Get out more.  I still stress on the “getting things done” phase of life and haven’t learned to relax yet.  Again, this requires a change in my personality.
• I need to get a sense of humor.  I’m very serious, normally.  If you know me well, you know that it is possible that I can have humor in my life.  But generally that side of me is very reserved.  I’m normally very serious.  I’m not a cut-up.  I don’t seek attention (actually, I tend to run whenever a spotlight is on me).  It’s this level of discomfort I must resolve.  Again, this is (partially) related to the first required improvement above.

There are still times in my life when I wonder to myself – Why?  What’s the purpose?.  These times are scary.  I’m happy to say that they come less frequently over the past few months.  Grief sucks.  It is, however, a necessary phase of life that everyone must go through.  And it can be a slow harrowing process.

-more information later-

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