August Musings

Permalink Word Count: 677 Tags: Life Psychology

Well, we have finally reached August, temperatures are hitting record highs, and summer is finally close to being over.  This year has been bad.  Much of it has to do with the events of March and April, but sometimes life is zigging when I want it to zag. 

This weekend posed new problems - of which I don’t need more of.  On top of everything I must deal with on the house and the property, I now “function” as a home for a family of skunks.  I ended up trapping five of them yesterday and I have at least two left to trap.  Fortunately, Rudy (my puppy) finally could get his rabies shot last Friday, but the fact that skunks are so close makes me nervous.  Alas, the two remaining skunks apparently are smarter than the five I trapped yesterday since they have avoided the cage like the plague.  Hopefully they will be trapped tomorrow and I can feel safe leaving Rudy outside when I’m not around.

This same weekend also saw me miss my continuing education opportunity up in Austin, get stuck behind an accident on IH 35 north of Buda that shut the interstate down for hours (I didn’t wait - I got off the highway and followed the back roads to get to Austin).  Installing a motion light took hours when it should have only taken a few minutes.  You get the point.

This week also is (hopefully) my last stressful week at work.  We have been working on DFIRM protests and appeals for the past ninety days.  The deadline for these appeals/protests/etc are due at the close of business on Wednesday.  So the next three days are going to suck, but I will be taking off Thursday and now that we are on ten hour days (starting tomorrow), we will have Friday(s) off.  Now I just will need to wait out the next round of comings and goings at the office.  The housing bubble has now hit San Antonio with a vengeance.  Not like the 80’s or California today, but still very bad.  I’ve been expecting this the past two years as I like to keep track of real estate for possible future investment opportunities, but we haven’t hit the bottom and we won’t hit the bottom yet due to the mortgage bailout. 

Enough depressing talk, though this isn’t much better.

Today, when I went to church (went to an evening service due to the skunk problem above), I picked up one of the Celebrate Recovery - Codependency brochure.  This seems very much like what is definately wrong with me:  Assume responsibility for others;  Guilt; Difficulty expressing feelings; afraid of being hurt/rejected by others; minimize/deny how you feel; put others (opinions, feelings, needs, or desires) before your own; judge everything harshly;etc…  I did realize this was a problem - I know I was codependent with my mother.  However most literature about codependency refers to some sort of abuse - chemical, physical, etc.  This wasn’t my situation.  So I haven’t been able to use the common reference materials to fight codependency.  Even now, I still am wandering around aimlessly trying to find a new target to attach myself to.  This is dangerous and disasterous for me.  I know I must overcome.  Aarrgghh..  Why can’t life be simpler.

On that same vein, I need to learn how to make relationships.  I’m afraid to do so.  I’ve been afraid for most of my life.  The few that I have had have been wonderful, but not made to last.  I know that I am still in the beginning of the grieving process.  This will limit me to some point and I need to be careful of what relationships I do make as I would be more “vulnerable” than I would otherwise be.  However, loneliness and depression will follow if I don’t tackle this problem.  I want to live in a comfort zone.  I mustn’t do so.

Well, enough for this post for now.  I’ll post back letter and make sure you keep me in your prayers. 

-Jeffrey

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