First Year Thoughts

Permalink Word Count: 571 Tags: Grief

It has now been one full year since I had to “press the reset button of life”. I can’t say that the past year has been easy. It has been rough. Terribly rough. But it is a phase of my life that I must push through, regardless if I want to or not.   I’m writing this posting to talk about things that I have learned over the past year and some of the areas that I need to improve on.

Things that I have learned:

  • That it is possible to make changes even when everything seems so bleak, so hopeless.  Change was necessary to keep from drowning in pain and suffering.  Change is not easy.  There were times that I practically hated myself for making the same “destructive” decisions because they were too comfortable. 
  • I have learned that everyone has a purpose.  One person can impact a countless number of lives.  I think back to the number of people who I had influenced over the year and I was staggered by the implications.  Friends, family, enemies, and even people whom I have never met were impacted by my existence.  This thought alone, as strange as it may seem, helped me on the path of “coping” (I can’t say recover because I haven’t recovered and won’t do so for some time).
  • Life can and will be cruel.  I learned this lesson the hard way.  It’s not something that I didn’t know beforehand, but I “noticed” it more afterwards.  However, these experiences strengthen us and can positively impact our life.
  • Relationships in life are important.  Too bad that I completely suck at making and maintaining them.  This is the aspect I need to improve on the most, but one that is dependent on solving other issues of my life first (i.e., self worth).  Also, I need to mention that there have been some very important people in my life the past year who have helped me survive the “storms of my life” over the past year and I sincerely thank them for their help.

Things that I need to improve on:

  • From above, I mentioned “self worth”.  I’m getting better at having a more positive “self esteem”, but I’m not quite there yet.  As I also mentioned, this is hurting me in other aspects of my life.  I need to work on this, but this requires a fundamental change of my personality.
  • Get out more.  I still stress on the “getting things done” phase of life and haven’t learned to relax yet.  Again, this requires a change in my personality.
  • I need to get a sense of humor.  I’m very serious, normally.  If you know me well, you know that it is possible that I can have humor in my life.  But generally that side of me is very reserved.  I’m normally very serious.  I’m not a cut-up.  I don’t seek attention (actually, I tend to run whenever a spotlight is on me).  It’s this level of discomfort I must resolve.  Again, this is (partially) related to the first required improvement above.

There are still times in my life when I wonder to myself - Why?  What’s the purpose?.  These times are scary.  I’m happy to say that they come less frequently over the past few months.  Grief sucks.  It is, however, a necessary phase of life that everyone must go through.  And it can be a slow harrowing process.

-more information later-

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